Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Something's Wrong with Me...Chapter 1-...

Okay...all of my wonderful friends have said
it's okay if I tell my story here...
on my little blog...
so it's time I started...
because there may be someone who needs this...
and I need to get my thoughts together...
IF that is possible.
I know this is not for everyone,
so in each title regarding the new road I am on,,,
I will include "chapter..." so you will know...
and can stay away if you like. 
I understand, 
really, I do!



And since I love fairytales...I'll start with
"Once upon a time"...


in the hot summer month of June,
2 weeks before we had to 
leave and take Taylor to a 6 week summer ballet program
in Maine,
I started feeling kind of weird...
The kind of feelings you brush off.
I did just that...until I couldn't any longer.
First, I had a kind of numbness/tingling in my right foot...
which spread to my lower leg,
then my right hand and arm...and finally the right side of my face.
Kind of like when you go to the dentist and they numb you
and then when you are home and the numbness is starting to wear off.
Except this went on and on.  
I wasn't in pain...
I just felt weird.
So what???
And did I mention I was sometimes tired?
I mean, stop everything and crawl in bed for a deep sleep kind of tired?



Even though I haven't worked in years,
my background is in nursing.
And my husband runs hospitals...
so between the two of us, we have just enough medical knowledge
to be dangerous:)



By that I mean, with the help of the Internet and what little I
remembered. I came to a conclusion early on...
I have MS.
Either that or a brain tumor.
I wasn't being a hypochondriac...
just putting 2 and 2 together according to my symptoms.
(Just so you know...my doctor did the same math)



One night, Jordan was at a sleepover when my husband
came home to find me in tears in our room. 
I can cry easy...
but at silly things.
This was very unusual!
And I have no doubt that it was the first time that it scared my husband.
I thought Taylor was in her room packing,
so I sobbed and told him I thought I had MS...or worse...
a brain tumor or something else.


He just listened,
gave me a hug...



and said "You don't have MS.
It isn't in the family and you're just stressed out right now
with Taylor leaving for 6 weeks.
And you don't have a brain tumor."
These were all words I wanted to hear...
but I knew weren't true. 
I heard them a lot from many people...
many people trying to reassure me and maybe themselves.
But deep down, I knew.
knew it was something.
Then I turned around...
and saw Taylor standing there...
hearing every word...
seeing her mama crying and scared...
and thinking something was very wrong.
That was when I started trying to joke about it...
and to reassure others...
when I needed to be reassured.
But I had to do it for my daughter who
just wanted to hear that everything was alright.




I wasn't trying to think the worst.
I try to stay positive.
But I do believe in facing the truth...
being prepared...and preparing others.
So this is why many of you heard me say I thought I had MS.



But I tried not to dwell on it.
Hard to do when one whole side is numb and you can't chew 
on the right side because you're afraid
you will chomp down on your tongue or the inside of your cheek.
But I managed to eat, don't worry:)



The night before we went on our girls weekend
to Kennebunkport before dropping Taylor off,
I didn't sleep.
Not one bit!
I kept telling myself it was because we had such an early flight...
but truthfully my mind was racing...
and my legs were restless.
Sleep??? Not a chance!
All I could think of was that something was wrong...
and was it smart to travel?
No...but I'm not often accused of being overly smart:)



Only  a handful of people knew what was happening...
and their advice was to relax, go, have fun with my girls...
and it would be okay.



So I went,
had a fabulous time with my girls...
fell in love with coastal Maine...


and knew something was wrong.



I was still numb.
AND I fell twice...
I mean fell big time!
The kind of fall that when a kid sees it...and sometimes us too...
you can't help but burst out laughing.
(After you see they're okay, of course)
I scraped and bruised both palms...
ME...the person with great balance.
I know how to ski, rollerblade, 
and I can still at least stand up on a skateboard.
I fell twice...
and later learned this was a BIG clue to my doctor.



So when I talked to my husband that night,
I told him I wanted...
no NEEDED to see a neurologist.
I knew that he had ways of finding out who would be best for me to go to...
and he could get me in as soon as I got home.
Because I just knew...




That weekend was about fun.
Fun with my girls...
a chance to get away from Florida in the Summer...
time to be together.
They knew I wasn't my usual self...
but we didn't dwell on it at all.
Although I did make sure they were somewhat prepared...
and made sure they knew that no matter what,
I loved them and we would all be okay.




I remember the day we were at Kennebunkport Beach
climbing over rocks and searching for sea glass.
Looking at the dark blue water,
I prayed...
and prayed...
You see, deep down, I already knew.
So yes, I prayed that this was something silly...
that I had moved one too many pieces of furniture to paint...
but I also prayed for strength...
because I could tell I was going to need it.
For me...and for those who care about me.  
We were going to need it.



I was not for one minute negative or "doom and gloom".
I believe God had already given me a sense of peace.
I tried not to act as if this was our last trip together 
because I knew it wasn't.
But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I was still scared...
worried that I might not be climbing these rocks again.
I know...be positive.
And I am truly trying.
But there was a part of me that wanted to be real.
That just wanted to know for sure what was wrong.
Because I didn't feel right.




I remember praying...
asking God to take this away and make me feel good again...
I mean, I have never asked for much.
I want to be there for my husband, my girls...
I want to take long walks on the beach and
long walks with my dogs.
This is what I told the doctor, too...
"Please, just keep me walking."




I remember praying that if this turned out as I thought it might,
to let me be a voice to help others.
At least I could do that.




And I wanted to be an example to my girls...
because life is anything but "fair"...
at least in our eyes.
And when they are faced with a bump in the road...
that they follow my example.
To know that God is with them on their path...
to know that people care...
to know that they can go on with faith and a smile on their face...
And they can get over that bump in the road.
They might not know what is on the other side...
but they can do it.



On that note, I think I should stop.
I know this is long.
Next time I promise to get to the point.
It's more the medical side anyway...
doctor's, diagnosis, hospitals, treatments...
good stuff like that:)



Please remember my intention is not to bore...
but to record my journey...
and hopefully help or inspire someone else facing something similar.



None of us knows what the future holds.
After all, these aren't our bodies, are they?
Never take things for granted...
and never stop believing in happy endings.




I haven't given up.
This is still so new to me.
I'm still praying...
for strength and yes
...a miracle.
Because as we know,
"With God, all things ARE possible".



XOXO
Suzanne








13 comments:

  1. Hi Sister, I am sooooooo glad you are such a brave woman who can tell your story in hopes of helping others. And you will. You'll see. I wish I had read someone's story on how it was for them to get the phone call telling them that their son had been shot and killed and I think if I had I might have read it intently and when the unthinkable did happen to me I would remember her story and know that regardless of the pain that I was not alone and maybe I would go back to visit her and be more consoled. But maybe one day I can be brave and tell my story to help someone else. You are still my little hero! XXMollye

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  2. my stomach is in nots for you...I truly am praying for you!!!!

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  3. Thank you Suzanne for your bravery and courage! I am so glad you are sharing your story. It will help someone I know. Do not worry about boring someone, you tell it your way! I am praying for you.

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  4. sweet friend, i know this was a big step for you....a big step of bravery. i love that you shared your heart, your fears, your thoughts and how the Lord has given you peace.i'm praying for a miracle too! hope today is a good one for you.
    you are awesome!

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  5. Thank you Suzanne for sharing your story. My prayers for you and your family ((hugs))

    Mary Ellen

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  6. Praying for you, and feeling your pain. I pray for myself too, not selfishly but for my husband and kids to not have the pain cancer, like MS, can bring to a family.
    Stay strong and believe.

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  7. My stomach is in knots too, and my eyes are blurry. You are a very brave woman and I commend you for telling your story. I feel honored you are opening up to your blogger friends, and I'm sure it is helping. My thoughts and prayer are with you right now, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your story.
    XOXO

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  8. Dear Suzanne,
    In the moments of sharing, real healing happens. Because you connect with the core of who you are, you listen more intently to your moment-by-moment needs and desires. You treasure each moment.
    I celebrate Suzanne Today!
    Let's keep in touch.
    discovery4 AT mac DOT com
    Laura

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  9. Suzanne, know that my prayers are with you on your journey and I am so praying for good results..Life likes to toss these bumps at us, or rather throw them..Hope to get to know you better, please know that many are pulling for you and your sweet family!

    hugs
    Barb

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  10. Oh Suzanne,
    I'm so glad that the tag arrived...You could see why I knew I had to make you a ballet one, right?

    This story is heart-wrenching and amazing all at the same time....and it has such an element of "I'm keeping positive" AND "this could happen to anyone." Which I believe is very humbling for anyone to read....I hope you'll share it on Friday....I know that people would want to read it AND to pray for you AND for miracles because they abound!

    Sending love and hugs,
    Cindy
    xoxox

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  11. Suzanne, thank you for being so courageous, thank you for sharing, thank you for being who you are. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  12. Miss Suzanne.
    Not boring - never - not uninteresting - never.
    Very informative - which - for those of us who have no clue - will find helpful.
    This is your journal, your way of living with the "journey" God has mapped out for you. It is only yours to write and record. So there is no wrong way.
    I am loving the photos. And your sense of humor even when you tumble down and scratch your hands and knees.
    Positive thinking. Positive thinking.
    And Faith.
    Many, many prayers for you and yours.
    Now all you have to do is "rearrange" a few things and move forward. I have every confidence in you.
    Keep journaling. It's good for the soul.
    Big hugs my friend! Karen

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  13. Oh my! If I were a better blogging friend and kept up with you, I would have already known this and could have been praying for you. I can tell now that you are not just a beautiful person on the outside, but the inside as well! Bless your heart. I hope and pray that the Doctors are treating you with medication that is helping your symptoms.

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